I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
