Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
