I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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