I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
