Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Semen is not good for contacts.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I am naked and annoyed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
