wake up i wanna do it froggy style
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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