Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
