I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
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