I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
