Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
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Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night