My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
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Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
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I didn't notice because vodka
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.