there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert