Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
