thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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