im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
