i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
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The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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