I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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