I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
