I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
