Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
