I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I need dunkaroos back in my life.