My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.