this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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