SEEEEXXX PLEASE
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
