If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
