I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
