I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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