Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
this just has baby written all over it
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
