I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
