I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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