I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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