youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
