When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
