Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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