How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
