my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
