I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
