Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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