just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
sex in a hospital.. check
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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