I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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