I can't breathe out the right side of my face
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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