I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
