hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
