my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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