so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
