I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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