I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
