I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
