I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
