"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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