Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
