i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
