he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We need to rekindle our bromance
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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