My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
