Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i think my cat just said my name.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
