Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
