so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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