you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
